Wrestling...

If you've read further down than the first page or so, you know that I'm struggling about working. I truly believe that a mother's place is in the home. If God hadn't meant for us to RAISE the children, he wouldn't have designed it so that we HAVE the children.

When the opportunity came up for me to take over the administrative assistant position at the Fire Department, I went back and forth with it. Larry was working, but we still NEEDED the money. Not to buy "things," but to live. To buy food. Clothing. Essentials. We were paying the bills, barely, but rapidly working through our stockpile of food.

I prayed about it. I talked to Larry about it. I agonized over the decision, and finally took the job. And still I agonized about it. And felt guilt. A very wise commenter to this blog pointed out that I wasn't working for things, I was working for need, and maybe the job being put in front of me was God's provision.

I'm a big believer in God's provision. I have this "just enough" theory. See, when Larry went to school and we were living on student loans, life was OK. Not great, but OK. But then two weeks went by without him finding a job after school. The class had been told that a lot of them would be hired by our local company. He had top grades in his class, was local, has good references, and we figured (assumed, oh, I see the error), that he was a shoo in for the job. But the company hired NO ONE. It took him five weeks to find a job. And, of course, another few weeks to get paid.

I used the last of our potatoes to fix dinner on the Thursday night before he got paid. We had just enough. God made sure we had just enough. God provided just enough. God provides.

So that comment about this job being God's way of providing eased some of my feelings about working (although none of my guilt at leaving the littles in daycare). I started October 1. Larry got laid off at his job in mid December. If I hadn't have been working, we'd have been homeless.

But still I wrestle with it. I guess, maybe, I'm not seeing much of God's provision right now. I know it's there, if I look for it, but I'm getting frustrated. Larry is getting depressed because he hasn't been called back to work-and he hasn't found another job. He's hopeful of getting one after his EMT class is finished, but by the time he takes his national registry test, we're looking at another three months before he would be hired, if he even is. And I hate to see him depressed. I know that the root of his depression is his need to be the provider for our family. He needs to be that guy. The guy that takes care of his family, not the guy dependent on his wife to put food on the table. It hurts him inside to be dependent on my income. And to see him hurting, hurts me.

And I don't know how to help. I don't know how to show him that my faith in him hasn't wavered. I have faith that he will find a job. I have faith that he is still the provider that he always was. But it's hard to have faith that God's provision will continue. I feel like we've done something wrong. Well, I know we've done wrong things, because we can never attain perfection, but I do wonder why we are going through this. I'm not sure how free will plays into this-which is the answer I get when I ask people more knowledgeable than I questions like "Why do babies get cancer?" That free will plays into that-that we as a people are paying the price for the free will decisions we made earlier in life. I try to tell Larry, and show him, that I have faith in him, but I'm not sure that my affirmations are helping him. And I don't know what else to do.

He has his good days and his bad days. I want him to have all good days, but again, I don't know how to help. If I tell him too often, it will cease to have meaning, or, even worse, he will interpret it as harping-like the invisible "but". As in "I know you'll find a job soon, babe (to which he adds "but..." whatever negativity he's swimming in, in his head)" I don't infer a but. I don't feel a but. I hope I don't infer a but. But I'm pretty sure he hears the but, when all I want to do is build him up.

So I'm frustrated, and wanting him to be confident and assured, but it's like he's in a downward spiral right now. He won't be confident until he finds a job, but in a county where unemployment has quadrupled since late November, that's hard to do, and that's nothing to do with him. When you have 300 people applying for one position, well, odds certainly aren't in your favor.

Anyway, the man is home, safely, from the weather, and I think I'm going to drag him to bed. Guess I'll wrestle more tomorrow-cause this really isn't where I was going when I started writing this post.